Editor: nique x3
Edmund

The word selfish is created for me

I'm sorry for being rude.
I'm sorry for using harsh words at you.
I'm sorry for all the shit that I'd put you through.
I'm sorry for not being able to make you happy.
I'm sorry for making you angry.
I'm sorry for the lies that I'd told you.
I'm sorry for always making you sad.
I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
I'm sorry if I was a disappointment to you.
I'm sorry if I could not live up to your expectations.
I'm sorry that you are alone all the time.
I'm sorry that I always cause things to go worse.
I'm sorry that I'm angry with you all the time.
I'm sorry that I do not have the patience for you.
I'm sorry that I'm always making your life difficult.

I love you and I know that you love me too.
But I just can't stand seeing you live your life like shit.
This is not what you want, you know it.
I'm not a kid anymore.
I know how to weigh my words.
And, I know I'm selfish.



One of these days, I'm gonna regret for all these shit that I'd done.

My ex-hubby runs with her mouth open


Woke up freaking early at 6.45am today to go running with ex-hubby Mengx at her place. Together, we ran 3 rounds and walked 2 rounds. Throughout the run, I kept asking her to breathe with her nose and not with her mouth but she had trouble doing so. So I told her she looked like an idiot running with her mouth hanging open. Lol.


After the run, went back to her house for branch. She could not decide whether to order pizza or bake herself. In the end she decided to bake but there was no ham and capsicum. So last minute, before her dad drove off, both off us ran to his car for a lift to YewTee MRT station to buy the ingredients. It was so sudden that I did not even have time to put down my towel and the magazine that I was reading. So I had to walk around with a stinky towel and a pathetic magazine. Damn malu. After that, we still had to walk back to her house under the scorching sun.


Anyway in the end it was Arnie who bake the pizza instead of Mengx. I had a game of bowling with Meng's mother while waiting for the pizza. Her mom is damn pro. I lost to her la. There were 10rounds and her mom got strike for about 6 or 7 rounds while I only had 1 strike throughout the game. I caused Meng's character to lose points for her level experience. Lol. I think I really sucks at games.


I've been a good girl today. I wash and hang the laundry, wash the dishes, clear the rubbish and change the bedsheets. And I got pissed at my MaMa for wanting to ask me to do more. I'm staying home the whole day does not mean that I've to do all the shit load of housework that the others have not been and do not want to do. What is the use of helping to do the housework when no one appreciates and even worst, make things even more messy?!


So rather than helping out some more, I went to do nail art with the rest of my free time. Doing nail art is a million times more fun than doing house-chores. I really think I should go be a tai-tai so that I do not have to do any housework at all and I'll have lots of time to do useless stuffs like manicure and shopping. =>















Do you notice me the way that I notice you?

Record Broken


Yes. I finally broke the existing record. I washed up and brushed my teeth only at 5pm today!!! Beat that. Lol. I'm so proud of myself.


Anyway yesterday was kind of a suay day. I was supposed to report work at 10am yesterday but I woke up at 10am. At first I did not notice anything wrong cause I thought I was suppose to start work only at 1pm. Then I went to check my handphone and realised that I should start at 10am instead. I got the greatest shock of my life. I quickly called Alice and see if she can help me reach there earlier but she could not. I also called SongMin but she didn't pick up the phone. I wanted to call auntie Kalsom but was afraid it would be her off day. So all that is left was me. I washed up and prepared at the speed of a bullet and cabbed to work. The trip cost me $15!!! The moment I reached, I rush to the security post to collect the key but the security told me the key was already collected by Kalsom. So I thought maybe she was supposed to report at 11am but instead came a little earlier for breakfast.


So I rush to my office and saw uncle Wan and Kalsom inside the office already. I went in and apologised for my late arrival, saying that I mixed up my reporting time. Then Kalsom went like, ' Huh? I thought you start work at 11am? Cause the schedule wrote that I am working morning shift today.' I was like: ' Is it?! I thought I'm supposed to come at 10am?' So we both checked the schedule. Turn out that SongMin had changed the schedule already. She switched mine timing and Kalsom's timing. So Kalsom was supposed to come 10am instead of me.


I don't know if I should be relieve or what. Relieve that at least I wasn't late and that the office was open on time. If I was suppose to come at 10am, then sure I will be late like shit and the office will be opened late then if the customer service's people saw that, most probably will get complained. Not relieved is because I wasted $15 on the cab fare. So the 1st 3hr that I worked yesterday was to earn back my cab fare. =(


Oh well...









The little things in life can make you extremely happy.

And I wonder why...


Seriously, I think I'm seeing more of Mistress Weix and Andrew(my new grandson. oh man, I feel so old when I should be the youngest) more than my 2 blood brothers. We were out yesterday watching 'Hotel For Dogs'. It's a very cute show. And then we were out on Tuesday to go repair our laptops. And we met again today to collect our laptop. Thank God the both of them don't appear in my dreams. Lol. Anyway there are like so any movies coming out so practically the 3 of us are meeting each other almost once every week for movies. I even named the 3 of us the love triangle.


Got our results back today too. It was not as bad as I expected it to be. Thank God again. I gotta really work hard next year, just in case my attachment results are gonna pull me down. And hopefully I get attachment rather than doing FYP.


And I sinned big time today(even though we are all sinning everyday). I lied so that I can skip work today. And I lied again so that I can skip work tomorrow. I don't know why but I'm having a I-don't-feel-like-working mood these few days. I told MaMa about it and she agreed that I should take time off work to rest. But I kinda realize something after that. My resting day at home = can help out with more housework. Oh man. So much for lying.


Just a random thought anyway. I think that it is funny the way we humans live with each other. Especially with your enemies, or anyone you hate. For me, there isn't anyone that I hate but there sure are quite a few which I dislike. Dislike is a much lighter tone of displeasure than hate. So it's like we have to go through days putting up with people that we do not like but we still have to act like we can get along ok. There are instances like, e.g. Gab hates Alien for always talking big about himself and he does this with no discreet at all. So every time Alien starts the talk about himself, Gab will nod her head as if she totally agree, but her mind will start speaking like :'Ya, right~. Full of bullshit as usual.'


So yeah, I feel like a hypocrite at times like that. After all that I will say to myself, if I really dislike him that much, then why don't I just say it to his face rather than allowing this kind of hypocrisy build up which will then result to badmouthing behind people's back. People are supposed to be truthful but yet we are not practicing that. Partly it may be because I don't wish to cause the situation to go bad. Maybe. The bible says to love your enemies. Easy to say, hard to do. Nevertheless, I admire people who speak their minds even when these people are always the ones who don't know how to read situations and their words almost always cause these situations to go bad.


Then there are people who always take things for granted. I admit I'm one of them. So we usually take other people's goodness for granted. E.g. Gab almost always never listen in class. Partly is because she can't understand. Another reason is because she can't be bothered. So when she runs into troubles in her studies, she will shamelessly go find the geniuses in her class like Michael, Andrew, etc. Thankfully, these geniuses are kind hearted to help. This reminds me, I need to thank Andrew and Yun Wei and Joel, for studying together with me and helping me during the exam period. Thanks to them my results are presentable.


There is also another kind of person who are damn annoying. There people keeps blabbering non-stop about their stuffs and even when you had offered advice, they do nothing to help themselves. In a way, MaMa is somehow a little like one of them. And I used to have a friend like that too. Lucky we don't really contact now. These people are usually the talkers. When you go out with them, you can only listen while they do all the talking. And they keep talking about how miserable they are and all sorts of negative stuffs which will make you depressed too. Going out with such people are so stressful and not fun at all. There is also another kind of these annoying type which goes about talking about their unrealistic and impractical thoughts and never letting other to intervene. They think that there is nothing wrong with their ideas when everything is wrong with it. I'm having a friend like this now.


And so the list of people which are dislikable goes on. If there are 10 of it on the list, I believe I will be under at least 6 of it. Humans are detestable in so many ways. Anyway all those crap are just for me to evaluate myself. I am detestable.








Why plan in the first place when in the end you are planning not to follow them?

Something is just not right...


It's gonna be freaking 3am soon and here I'm typing away. My eyes are a little tired but I still don't feel sleepy yet. This few days, I'd been finding it hard to sleep. Even when my eyes are tired. It's like I will lie on my bed, hoping that drowsiness will drift me off to dreamland soon, but the 'soon' never occurs. My head will always be spinning with unnecessary thoughts that always make me a little depressed or lost. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I'll be knocked out in 30mins. If I'm not, I'll be flipping from one side of my body to the other for about an hour or two. That sucks. So when I'm not lucky, my brain is bombarded for that hour or so and I feel very pressurized. It feels as if my head is gonna explode any minute. (I'm suddenly reminded of the movie 'Mars Attack' where all the aliens head went bursting when they hear this particular song. Lol.)


I tried to relax myself many times but the solutions I used was all temporary. When it ceased to work, the pressure in my head will just resurface again. I'd tried methods like counting sheep, thinking of happier stuffs, reading, keeping myself busy, doing stuff that I enjoyed, but none of them work. I even changed my lifestyle by exercising, eating more veggie and sleeping earlier. But there is still this lingering feeling of lost surrounding me every now and then. It seems like the true happiness in me is seeping away from me slowly. I'm feeling more like a zombie or maybe an empty body without a soul with each passing day.


Nope. I'm not suffering from depression. I'm sure of it. I'm just feeling that that is something missing in my life. Wait, let me rephrase that sentence again. I'm feeling that there is something that went missing in my life. I used to feel complete but right now I can feel the emptiness. I need to find that missing piece, but I'm not sure what that missing piece is.


I used to think that the missing piece started to disappear since that incident occurred. But I guess that is not the main culprit cause I'd already gotten over the incident. Or maybe not completely enough? I don't know. Each new day seems like a new dream. A dream of nothingness. Nothing to hope for. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be happy for. Nothing to be sad for. A passing day is just another day.


I guessed I'm tired out by the same old routine of living. I just need some time to reflect on myself and the time to create for myself the right potion. Yeah. Most probably. Anyway on a lighter note, I'd finished all the 558 chapters of 'Inuyasha'. Guess that should be something I should be happy? Lol.








What done cannot be undone. So the only thing that is left to do is to mend things back to how it was in the past as perfectly as possible, even with the knowing that it will never be the same as the original.

Point taken


Never promise people stuff that you can't deliver. It not only piss people off, it also brings down the level of trust the person have in you. I know this applies greatly for me too so I'm not blaming anyone for it. And I'm trying very hard to suppress my pissed mood now.


Went to Meng's house today together with Weix to play Wii. It so freaking fun. We played the celebrity sports game and my favorites are the badminton and another which I don't know what it is called but each player is on a float and you are supposed to collect stars and at the same time hit the other players. Volleyball was very fun too. I also played cooking mama and resident evil. Cooking mama is a you-don't-have-to-use-your-brain game. For resident evil, it was so hard to aim. Mmm. Alright I admit I sucks at aiming. I was hitting nothing for like 70% of the time. Mengx was doing most of the job. Nevertheless, I still got my satisfaction from the 30%.


So I came home thinking that my Mama had cooked dinner for me since she promised to and to my utter disappointment, she had not even started cooking at all. To make things worst, I was already feeling so hungry due to the medicine effects, and hence my pissed level increased. Reading my expression, she went like:' Ok, I go cook now. I cook maggi mee for you instead ok?' WTH. So I told her off saying if you are not going to make dinner then please don't promise me that in the first place. I could have eaten at Meng's place if I'd know this is going to happen. Furthermore, it wasn't as if I forced her to promised me to cook, she volunteered herself. So here I'm, stuffing myself with biscuits and some fruits and typing this entry, and still feeling very pissed. What a great day ending in such a horrible way. Argh!!!




A hungry man is an angry man. A statement that I'd never doubt before and never will.

Sinful. Painful.


After spending a bomb at Fareast Shopping Center with JiaMin yesterday, God punished my sin with a flu. I had a blocked nose the whole night thanks to the flu. As a result, I had a sleepless night. Damn it. So people, please do not ask me out for shopping for the next 3months. Spare a thought for my ever-decreasing bank account. Your good will will be greatly appreciated.


Anyway, my flu is getting so much better now. Maybe God's anger on me is fading off. Phew. Or maybe not. I was injected in my arm today when I went to the doctor due to the bacterial growth on my left cheek. And now my left arm still feels a little numb at the area where it was injected. Then another injection was done on my left cheek where the bacterial growth is. Double ouch. It'd been so long since I last had an injection. Hopefully the growth subsides, or not I have to go back again on Saturday to take the 2nd injection.


Haiz. Sometimes I wonder why do I have so many problems with puberty. For goodness sake I'm already 18years old, so shouldn't puberty stopped for me? Geez... Wonder what kind of dumb hormones I have to cause me so much trouble.









I love Tiger biscuits. They are so yummy. =>

Stupid acne again


ARGH!!! Hate it hate it hate it!!! Really hate it man!!!


There is this freaking big and painful acne growing on my left cheek for the past few days. I did my best being a good girl and not disturb or bother it. And guess what it did today? It freaking cause my left eye to go swollen too la!! Damn it. In addition to the damages caused, I did another stupid thing yesterday. There was like this stubborn black head in my nose that I tried getting out to no avail. So in the end I resorted to scratching it out. I won, but the battle left 2 red marks on my nose cause I kinda scratch off part of my skin too. (T.T)


Now my face looks like I just finished a gang fight. Geez. I wonder why do we need puberty? It's so irritating. Wouldn't it be better if we are off without it? Then girls will have no boobs and guys will have no thick leg hair. Then guys won't be so pervert to always look at girls' boobs. Lol. Imagine the whole world with girls without boobs...Haha. I think it will be kind of weird.


Haiz...I still have a shopping date with JiaMin later. How I wish I can cancel it. With my bashed up face I just feel like staying home. But if I cancel the date, JiaMin is so gonna strangle me. I'd been postponing her dates for so many times already. Geez. I think I might as well borrow Joel's mask and wear before going out. Haha. But think that will invite even more stares. Lol.




Everything created by Him is beautiful in his eyes, therefore I have no right to judge the others.

Best holiday I had since so long...


For the past few days, I'd been sleeping at around 12-1am and waking up at 10plus in the morning. That is roughly about 10 hours of sleep. Shiok. And my achievements are, finish reading 'breaking dawn', into my 200+ out of 500+ Inuyasha manga series. That is what I call sweet success.


Ok la. All my bullshit just round down to one fact. I'm freaking lazy and all that I'd done is wasting my life away, doing stuffs that do not benefit me. But....I'M LOVING IT. Haha.


It had been so long since I'd spent my time this way. I feel so damn happy these few days, just slacking at home without much of a worry of this world. This way of spending my holidays seems even better than the idea of traveling overseas. There is no hassle of worrying what to pack, what to buy, how long to get to the destination, etc...






The best holiday to reward oneself :


Stay home and do nothing


Anyway, my best record so far is washing up and brushing my teeth at 3pm. I'm still pushing for a better record though.




Use me, ditch me. But still I'll be here for you whenever you need me because I love you.

The Arrival Of March


Yip yip, the exams are over and finally the holidays are here. But there is always this repetitive thingy happening. That is during the exam period there were lots of stuffs to be done, but I'll always just rub it off and say I will get it done once the exams are over. But now that the exams are over already I'm still not getting anything done. Oh my, me and my lazybones.


Anyway went to attend Kee Hui's wedding 2 days ago. The pastor's sermon almost bored me to sleep and the singing was like an extra dosage of sleeping aura. Luckily the later part of the sermon was more interesting to keep me awake. Take my hat off to the bride and bridegroom as they have to stand all the way through the whole sermon and not fall asleep. Haha. I guess church wedding ceremonial are not for me. But I like seeing the gown of the bride. It's so pretty. =>