Editor: nique x3
Edmund

Me and my stupid thoughts


____ drove over last night to pass me my belated birthday and christmas present. Was quite surprise at the sudden initiative.


As what should be expected, nothing much happen. I guess that is the problem with me. I like to think too much and in the end disappoint myself. I had always been like that. Despite knowing the realities, I still drown myself in my stupid thoughts. I only got my own self to blame for all the traumatic feelings I had to go through.


I was sure I would have agree if you had asked last night, though part of my mind told me that it is never gonna happen. I even imagined the scene out. I even thought of what answers to give. Every minute that I waited, my hopes were building up. I was trying so hard to suppress them. Maybe I succeeded a little. Maybe not.


I saw you and I was tongue tied. I couldn't think of words to say and I didn't know how to react. All I could do was express my thanks, repeatedly. The situation was kind of awkward, but I certainly didn't want it to end either. My heart and my mind were screaming, screaming to tell you my feelings. But courage just let me down.


Your calm composure, it made me just feel like whacking myself awake. Seems like it does not mean a thing to you so why should I make such a big deal out of it? I'm so weak. When you turn and left, did you even have a tinge of un-willingness to leave? I'm not sure if I do. At that moment, my mind was at such a loss of what to do. Thinking back now, how I wish I could have stayed on and chat with you even more.


Though it is useless to say this now, but I should have never let it start. These feelings keep popping up every now and then. These feelings are making me feel so depress because these feelings will never get repaid. Since you had the heart to remember my birthday, to even get a gift for me, I should be contended already. My heart is screaming for something more, but I'm shutting it up. I know that if I attend to the screaming, it is not gonna do me any good. And perhaps, the screaming is bullshit. It could all be part of my useless thoughts trying to get some attention again.


All had already ended at that time, the day when you spoke the truth. Yet I still squash so much never-gonna-happen-fairytales into my own mind. So many 'what ifs' I told myself. So many 'maybes' I told myself. Time that I seriously stop all that nonsense cause there isn't gonna be any 'what if' and 'maybe' at all. Time for me to wake up.


There is still so much stuffs waiting for me to do, waiting for me to achieve. No time for me to be dreamy. The only way for me to stop those nonsense from re-surfacing, is to just push myself forward, real hard. I need to occupy every time that I have with stuffs. I need to have more goals to achieve. That is the only solution that I can think of.








You are going forward. So should I.









p/s: Those reading this entry and wish to know what happen, please don't ask me cause I don't wish to explain anything. Let mystery remains a mystery.